It is my principle to keep as much memories as possible, as ugly as
some may be, so that I do not forget myself and where I come from.
It is said, we learn from our mistakes, but we can learn from the mistakes of others as well, as my Lord Jesus Christ put it: "...That
except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes
and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:20
No
doubt, my first entries were filled with anger, a sense of betrayal,
guilt, regret and remorse. Nevertheless, I will not remove those
entries, as they all identify my journey. Impatience and laziness often
work together for the destruction of one's well-being.
It has
been a little more than a year since I left CCGC, a loving Chinese
baptist church on Long Island, after enjoying and suffering 7 years
with them.
Why I left?
Why shouldn't I. Because CCGCLI
needed me? I thought that too, which was why I stayed. But God doesn't
NEED anyone. We often deceive ourselves in this for selfish reasons. Am
I their pastor? Did I promise not to leave? Are they my sheep? Nay,
merely my brethren, just as those living much closer to me in the city.
The
more they tried to stop me, the more I knew - it would end badly. But
who am I to defy God in the wisdom and precious time He has granted me?
Are vain friendship and human praises that important?
But that is not the cause of the problem that troubled me. The cause had to be a theological one.
First
pastor I encountered, Rev. Serena Lin. Very caring, very enthusiastic.
Unfortunately, she thought it was right to trade her pastoral position
with her marriage. To do that, she would have to defy every passages of
the Scripture that call "wife submit to husband", and make democratic votes as God's calling. I believe until this
is changed in her, there will always be a kind of childishness in her
when dealing with deeper and more serious matters. No doubt, this is
relevant to why some would consider the student fellowship members
often behave childishly. Perhaps this was why so many pastors have
refused carrying her torch when she left.
Rev. Chen Chi,
obviously has his own American dream life. I understand he's now doing
very well in Elim Church, after a year of suffering at our church. If
only he had left sooner...or did he expect he could get rid of John
Chen, based on his trying to single John out in some activity. Was he
really that sure of his faith and the work of the Holy Spirit?
Rev.
David F. Chen (Chen Feng Qing), one who relied on the reponses of others to want to become
pastor. I should have seen this in the beginning. Boy was I so blind.
Nevertheless, he had all the experiences and knowledge spoon fed to
him. Unfortunately, the praises of men have blinded him. As a preacher, Paul Washer,
rightly put it:" Some evangelists should have spent less time preaching
and more time studying their Bible". A pastor should know if he's
called by God after the consideration of all obstacles, that is the
very initial defining key of a pastor.
John Chen, pastoring but
not a pastor. Perhaps it is time. What example is he setting for those
who are supposed to be on the pastoral path? If he is not called, does
he not know the lesson of Uzzah where Uzzah would blame it on the
cattles and lazy priests, he blames it on his "unavoidable" responsibility as a "Christian"? Was it
not Uzzah alone that God struck?
I would say, trying to mix human logic, righteousness and dramatic emotions into God's autocratic doctrine would deprave and twist one's own faith.
Now,
after a year, I have not heard from them. I merely slightly rebuked
John privately when he begged me to stay. If a slight rebuke made him
not wanting to speak to me after my departure against his desire, what
would he do if I stayed and rebuked? Fire me as he did the pastors who had
little frictions with him?
It is easier to allow our sense of justice, pride, emotions, jealousy and selfishness to make us ignore the truth, keeping us in the bondage of agony and suffering despite our struggling and self-confidence. But only the truth shall set us free. John 8:32
Let them do what they want. But I pray that God in all His patience and mercy will continue to bless CCGCLI in growth of knowledge and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. For I believe that there are still those who truly serve God at CCGC, and perhaps their love would affect the others, even the impossible ones, in true servitude to the Lord, rather than in a emotionally influenced and humanistic one.
This much is clear of John in wanting to make me a deacon. He's been tempting God so much that he couldn't tell the difference between good and bad motives anymore.
And I have been a fool for not being more sober in his personality.
There is an easy response to shut his excuses up, whatever they may be: Before wanting me to be a deacon, is it a public knowledge that I will be leaving soon?
If 'yes', then one has no more excuses, and I've got nothing more to say.
Of course, all these have taught me how to deal with similar situations in the future with a bull's eye precision. And I'm still exploring those interesting yet mind boggling cases, some of which are new hypothesis.
Meanwhile, given the opportunity, I can still observe and learn how a church falls or grows. I believe CCGC was once a great church, despite the common problems which are apparent in most any churches also. How a great church is reduced to some what like the direction of the old Jews is nothing short human error. One may say it took the whole Israel about 400 hundred years to follow a completely different path since Malachi, and there are other times. And no doubt some churches change to very strange movements even cults. It is always remarkable in studying this process.
Whether or not I have a live sample of such now remains debatable. It is worth studying nonetheless, when opportunity presents itself. And the contribution I would learn from such study could be priceless.
Of course, the concept of "Another's loss is one's gain" can be applied in any situations as long as the other's loss is not caused by oneself but by the ignorance the other.
Recalling how John begged me to stay "Don't leave this church until you decided to return to Malaysia"
It could even be possible that with Rev. Chen being exposed and kicked out by him, he's now afraid of his own incompetence, that if I'm gone, would be obvious. Of course, he couldn't do it earlier because if he waited for David Chen to leave it would seem more sympathetic to persuade others to stay. If David Chen didn't leave, all his work would be "credited" to David should it ever work out. Should it be too early, persuading me to stay before David left, it wouldn't seem sympathetic enough of a persuasion.
Tactically, kudos to him, if it were so. But this is God's house, mess with the best, die like the rest.
My guess is the others stay behind to maintain their friendship with the pastor kicker.
It would be hilarious if the pastor kicker stays in order to maintain their friendship.
All in the excuse of "supporting" God's church.
I believed I have erred when I didn't share the 20 year old accusation on Rev. David Chen in the Pastoral Search Committee and Deacon Board (Those whom I didn't converse on the subject directly). Apology must be made.
I think mere email or letter is not enough. So I could only pray to God and should opportunity be presented, I must not forget. This I pray, that my heart be true to God always.
This is just my guess, but it would seem that Kao Shih-Ping, the former deacon actually has more relationship to Serena Lin than meets the eyes.
I suspected something long time ago, when they were both still around on Long Island.
If this is so, perhaps it is better, that they leave and have their own lives together, lest they corrupt the church further in an inconceivable manner.
Reminded me of the passage of Psalm 37:35-36...
Now she can't even respond to a casual email I wrote her. She would only call or contact me when she needs to ensure certain things to go her way.
Look at her now, her marriage has failed, her ministry has gone no where. All it took, was a rebellious act against the the order of man and woman and the holy matrimony.
Sure she understood the language of theology, but does she believe it? Apparently not. What a pity.
By being feminist and striving against the order God set for man and woman, just so she could show she could be the ordained. And then to throw it all away just so that she could.
In question of striking God's anointed. I have no problem striking Serena, for she is now neither pastor nor any kind of anointed officer of the church. It was as if she said..."I want this throne, I can take it from men, and I did it. And now I throw away my crown, because it is my decision and I can do it, I did it.
I would not be striking an anointed of God, I would be striking a hedonist.
Nevertheless, even so, if God permits, I would strike her not.
Now the Serena Lin is not a pastor, nor I see her a preacher, if she is anything, she is nothing more than those emotional manipulative speakers of self-help workshop.
As for Mr. Chen, by abandoning his post after removing people above him that he dislikes, it is as irresponsible as the next barbarian.
I need not pray for them. If I do, I shall pray for them as I do any pagans.