This morning I woke up sort of crying.
I had dreamt that my dear nana (fell sick I think, as I couldn't remember exactly the cause of death, and) eventually passed away. I believe our bedroom resembled that which we rented in Brighton Beach, Brooklyn. And when she was passing, it was as if I didn't care to follow her to the hospital or whichever, perhaps not that I didn't care, but I didn't think that I was either allowed to follow or something prevented me to or maybe even assuming that she would come back, but no, it was quite certain that would be the last I would see her and I knew it before then in the dream. As she was leaving to the last place, I believe it was my parents who took her and I basically parted her there on the second floor alley of my parents' Penang house, walking downstairs.
After that, my dream went to a different story all together, where I think Willy, myself and Nadia were hiking to a place to camp or something.
Then it was back to where I had lost Nadia in the dream, as if the hike was a reminiscent of the past or just the way dreams play tricks. There I laid in bed for the first time in that Brooklyn apartment bedroom without my wife sleeping next to me. As I realized what I had lost, thought back about Nadia, the trouble I've caused her, the labor she'd done for me and what we had together, I began to cry and grieve, even now as I type this. This woke me up. It was around 7:30am.
I believe this dream was influenced by several factors: The Ted Lasso episode (3x11) I watched the night before, where Jamie Tart suddenly felt depressed, humbled, and Ted also confronted his mother about not dealing with grieve and pain and treated everything happy dandy. The replay of the video I took of Nadia walking up the stairs to our room in Penang house, with her innocent face turned playful:
The health issue Nadia had that wasn't taken care of in Malaysia (shivering hands in search of Chinese remedy) because she thought there was no time (This should be the priority the next time we return). Things she had done and planned and my insensitivity to some of those. etc.
May this serves as a reminder every time I get frustrated with her.
Now I also thought to myself, where was my faith in all of this. Was my grief a godless one in the dream? May God have mercy. Only You are to be praised and remembered. May You guide me in true Christian fellowship with my wife. Amen.