My Journal

Against thee, thee only, have I sinned and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.

For I know if I get any closer to her, I would have fallen in love for her, as I already had. One who has been a good friend to me, one who also has already gotten herself a boyfriend now. Even though it means nothing more than good friendship to her, every time we spent time alone together face to face, the more I see her, the more I listen to her voice, the more I know her, the more I love her.

It may also seem as innocent to me, but deeply I know, my love has grown for her and it is excruciating having this kind of love, having sleepless nights. I could be patient, I could persevere but deeply I also know, it is wrong, for it will invite envy. How can this love be pure, how can this love be agape, if it has jealousy, if it seems selfish, if it is self-seeking and care not for others.

Timothy Law, you should know better. If you truly love her, be content.

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.

Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. 

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13)

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I really need to focus on simplicity. Making my sentences short, my conversation to the point, and simple.
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Preach in truth. Be a shepherd with a father's countenance and a mother's heart.[@more@]

The evangelical Christians focus on families, friends so much that they could not realize that they are not giving glory to God. They think they are, but it just turns out that they merely "understood" they must give glory to God.

The reformed Christians today focus on Soli Deo Gloria so much that they fail to see it has to do with peace and joy in families and friends. 

I believe the key in these problem is cowardice. Not willing to face conflicts, escaping from controversial subjects. Because if we do, we might get out of control or if we admit we don't know the answers we feel we have shamed Christianity. And since laziness plays a huge role here as well, we tend to ignore it and use other excuses to run away from our responsibilities.

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I realize I have two major flaws:

1. Too easy to promise. Lack of plan and action.

2. Too talkative...simplicity seems harder to learn than I thought. 

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It's been 7 years I've been with this church, and I think it's time for me to move on.

My mission and my vision in the city has not been productive because I couldn't commit enough as I thought I could. 

Ever since I've taken the short seminary courses, I have learned a lot and was greatly motivated to preach the Gospel and to serve God in orthodox doctrine.

I believe I have shared my most precious treasures with fellow members of CCGCLI, but it is time for me to leave.

From all that I've learned, observed and studied, I find that authority is very very important. And that is what many church leaders fail to realize. This authority is obviously not the kind of authority in "human" terminology. But because there's no other words in our limited expressive language, it is such so that TRUE authority triumphs over false authority. Those who have this authority, often failed to use it with the excuse of "humility". Those who have no such authority, faked it with the excuse of "compassion".

Since the last Sunday school, I've been thinking for a long long time, especially yesterday, from dusk until almost dawn, that I've come to realized that my position there is more of adding a number rather than having an authority in my position.

I have declared that my time serving there was up long ago. But no one seemed to take it seriously and instead, made me deacon, and there were even some "supposedly innocent" form of beauty trap involved. I can see how truly enthusiastic and God loving they are in sharing God's love, which is why I've been staying with them to learn from them. But time has come that I must make my stand in my faith that whatever we do, we cannot disregard our intention, purity of motives and God's will even though we might think that what we do is done "on God's side". I had seen there's no need for such task of deaconship before as the church wasn't too big or that one need not be a deacon to help out in certain area. I was naive in accepting it eventually, but I was wrong. Before it has been made official, I must step down immediately. Otherwise, the motive is not right and it has been something I've been preaching against.

I must soberly see the church of God as the whole pasture and not just CCGCLI. 

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Although I have no relationship with anyone, I have to admit, there are times when I've gotten more interested in certain girls in my life. Most were perhaps just "puppy love", but there are a few whom I have ached for losing them, either to someone else or they had gone MIA.

Obviously, I failed to react or was too proud of myself or my academic studies. Therefore, I've gotten to like a few girls, but never ever gotten any closer than friendship.

When I began my new life in Christ after repentance, I have taken the whole concept of celibacy a whole new turn: If there's no girl for me, I can still and I will live my life and serve the Lord. If there is, after all the past failures I've experienced, I know I will take the initiative.

I am not the kind who likes to use excuses or indirect approach. I find that an impure motive.  These "methods" are supposedly to be mere friendship approach in honesty, not anything further. See, I'm open to such relationship, I'm not that "old fashion" as they would like to call it.

Nonetheless, what Dr. Stephen Tong mentioned in his lectures pertaining to this is rather important and most often failed by many of those who serve the Lord, including myself. That Jesus did not see the Samaritan woman during night time but under bright day light. The wisdom in choosing time and places is very important, especially it is of different sexes.

Will I see someone special? I do not know. But I do know that unlike before, I will not say "Impossible", for it is pride. It is also not biblical. Paul was urgently doing God's work and his co-workers could hardly keep up with him, so it is obvious that he had to give up having a spouse.

I however, am not there yet. But it is what I've been praying for. Until then, I best keep my motive pure and my conscience sober.

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