It is my principle to keep as much memories as possible, as ugly as
some may be, so that I do not forget myself and where I come from.
It is said, we learn from our mistakes, but we can learn from the mistakes of others as well, as my Lord Jesus Christ put it: "...That
except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes
and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:20
No
doubt, my first entries were filled with anger, a sense of betrayal,
guilt, regret and remorse. Nevertheless, I will not remove those
entries, as they all identify my journey. Impatience and laziness often
work together for the destruction of one's well-being.
It has
been a little more than a year since I left CCGC, a loving Chinese
baptist church on Long Island, after enjoying and suffering 7 years
with them.
Why I left?
Why shouldn't I. Because CCGCLI
needed me? I thought that too, which was why I stayed. But God doesn't
NEED anyone. We often deceive ourselves in this for selfish reasons. Am
I their pastor? Did I promise not to leave? Are they my sheep? Nay,
merely my brethren, just as those living much closer to me in the city.
The
more they tried to stop me, the more I knew - it would end badly. But
who am I to defy God in the wisdom and precious time He has granted me?
Are vain friendship and human praises that important?
But that is not the cause of the problem that troubled me. The cause had to be a theological one.
First
pastor I encountered, Rev. Serena Lin. Very caring, very enthusiastic.
Unfortunately, she thought it was right to trade her pastoral position
with her marriage. To do that, she would have to defy every passages of
the Scripture that call "wife submit to husband", and make democratic votes as God's calling. I believe until this
is changed in her, there will always be a kind of childishness in her
when dealing with deeper and more serious matters. No doubt, this is
relevant to why some would consider the student fellowship members
often behave childishly. Perhaps this was why so many pastors have
refused carrying her torch when she left.
Rev. Chen Chi,
obviously has his own American dream life. I understand he's now doing
very well in Elim Church, after a year of suffering at our church. If
only he had left sooner...or did he expect he could get rid of John
Chen, based on his trying to single John out in some activity. Was he
really that sure of his faith and the work of the Holy Spirit?
Rev.
David F. Chen (Chen Feng Qing), one who relied on the reponses of others to want to become
pastor. I should have seen this in the beginning. Boy was I so blind.
Nevertheless, he had all the experiences and knowledge spoon fed to
him. Unfortunately, the praises of men have blinded him. As a preacher, Paul Washer,
rightly put it:" Some evangelists should have spent less time preaching
and more time studying their Bible". A pastor should know if he's
called by God after the consideration of all obstacles, that is the
very initial defining key of a pastor.
John Chen, pastoring but
not a pastor. Perhaps it is time. What example is he setting for those
who are supposed to be on the pastoral path? If he is not called, does
he not know the lesson of Uzzah where Uzzah would blame it on the
cattles and lazy priests, he blames it on his "unavoidable" responsibility as a "Christian"? Was it
not Uzzah alone that God struck?
I would say, trying to mix human logic, righteousness and dramatic emotions into God's autocratic doctrine would deprave and twist one's own faith.
Now,
after a year, I have not heard from them. I merely slightly rebuked
John privately when he begged me to stay. If a slight rebuke made him
not wanting to speak to me after my departure against his desire, what
would he do if I stayed and rebuked? Fire me as he did the pastors who had
little frictions with him?
It is easier to allow our sense of justice, pride, emotions, jealousy and selfishness to make us ignore the truth, keeping us in the bondage of agony and suffering despite our struggling and self-confidence. But only the truth shall set us free. John 8:32
Let them do what they want. But I pray that God in all His patience and mercy will continue to bless CCGCLI in growth of knowledge and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. For I believe that there are still those who truly serve God at CCGC, and perhaps their love would affect the others, even the impossible ones, in true servitude to the Lord, rather than in a emotionally influenced and humanistic one.
