My Journal

This entry is long overdue.

The friends have different views on my marriage, on why I got married. Thus far, no one has come closer to the truth than the culture of arranged marriage.

When I heard Ravi Zacharias shared his brother's betrothal testimony, my heart yelled "Amen!".

The general public view the beginning of marriage as only an emotion thing. A sex thing. It is precisely this and the so call prom date culture that have deteriorated marriage value in the Western civilization. With such corruption, what's the harm in tempering the definition of marriage, viz. gay marriage.

Surely, the Christians understand it better. However, ask any Christian and few can give marriage a value that non-Christians have not realized: Fidelity, companionship, helping hand, sacrifice, etc..

I had settled my mind on celibacy. It is after coming to U.S. and experiencing the new culture. It was after I thought interracial relationship is overrated. I am able to discern these better now. Interracial relationship was favored by many for the reasons of curiosity, rebellion or superficial superiority. It is very rare to see a godly interracial relationship, even more rare to find a reformed interracial relationship. Where the husbands I know are Asians, they are always of liberal view. Now, it is a scary thought that I could have been like them.

But then I came to New York and witnessed the extreme form of celibacy. Not that I wasn't aware of its existence. This is the kind that is more selfish than wanting to be alone with God. I'm talking about the ones who are Christians. Not surprisingly, the need of companionship is exposed in other forms. In the city, pets like dogs are the common substitute for marital need. This way, they could still proudly insist on needing no human spouse. Yes, I forgot about pride, on top of selfishness. Other forms of companionship are in the excessive manner of insisting on hanging out with friends, self-appointed leadership over youths or newbies, watching TV/movies, reading novels, etc.. No I wouldn't want to be like them either.

A celibate life is only for God. It is not an emotion thing: If one thinks one just never thought of getting married or never feel the need to or was made that way by God, one needs to seriously think about why God establishes marriage. It is a giving up, as Paul noted. Giving up living in a marital status to serve God fully is what Christ meant by "making oneself eunuch for the sake of God's kingdom".

Then there is also pride. Celibacy is not a gift nor is it a Roman Catholic vow. It cannot be a gift if by gift it means that those with the "gift" of celibacy will invalidate themselves need for marital companionship. Celibacy is simply finding the calling so great that one is more than willing to give up everything including having a marriage. Therefore, this which God has given is a calling, rather than a gift. It is a wonderful calling.

I would not have it for pride either. The zeal to serve God must therefore be constrained by scripture.

I'm tired now...I shall continue next time...

I'm back (1/2/2014 10pm)...

The scripture is Matthew 19:12, and the key word used is "...made themselves...", meaning a given up of a marital status. It is not an inability to think about marriage, it is not a disgust at marriage, it is not an absence of that special emotion or love or care for one particular human being since birth. It is a given up..."making oneself an eunuch". This is the call of celibacy and it is given by God, not by one's own initiation.

Nevertheless, I had to examine myself carefully. Yes, I was inspired by David Livingstone (who's married) to want a missionary's life. Then I was sure I wouldn't want to end up like William Carey, who's also married and though successful in his India mission, has failed horribly in his own family. No, I'm not in line with Dobson's Focus on the Family. I prefer a family focused on God. I do firmly believe, a missionary's life is one though possible to include marriage, but is less encouraged. Unless we are talking about a 3 month mission trip, which I don't consider that a missionary work. David Livingstone sacrificed his whole life for Africa that even when his dead body has to return to England, his heart was ripped out of his body to remain in Africa, this was the impression he has left for them.

Sure, I could marry someone during the mission or one of the converts. Or another path I have once considered, being as open to marry a born again prostitute during my mission. It was a long thought process which this entry cannot contain.

Marry, not marry, they are all doable. And I could foresee the temptations that follow: Pride, hero complex, sidetracking the goal, etc.

I once said to some: That if God did not call me to be that kind of missionary, I should 乖乖地結婚.

That was the eventual advice I took. I did not think God called me for that. The temptation is too great, the encouragement I was promised (money, various support) is less comforting than those trying to discourage me. There were both extreme: How can they encourage/support me to do something if they do not do the slightest of it; Why do the ones who tried to discourage me seem to be thinking only about money, recognition, fame. It would appear that whatever reason they give, was merely intended to justify themselves from their own guilt eventually.

Yes, I do care a whole lot when I saw the one who has eventually become my wife in the hands of these blind guides. Moreover, I did watch out for the hero complex within me, I was afraid until Job taught me something about his marriage. So, it is not out of mere compassion, but a love that I could only have obtained from God, that I share my marital union with my wife. The choice of wife was based on her heart for God, nothing more. I do not think many would understand this, so when they ask, I only replied: As long as she is not a man. I reply this way every time when I detect a careless question in the guise of godly pursuit. Yes, I must say I can tell such intend from most people quite well now.

For any necessity to append, this entry is adjourned.