My Journal

Sometime this week, I learned that Ryan Viser has passed away in 9/1/2023. I gathered as much as I could some memories. Mostly in photos, I placed it under the album of Ryan Viser and Vanessa Kalnasy's Wedding in my photo drive.

I went to Ouachita Baptist University with Ryan. His father, William C. Viser, was this Baptist missionary who went to Brazil with his family and wrote the book "It's OK to be an MK" which I bought, and then became a professor at OBU. My first encounter with Ryan was during one of those pool table games I often played at the Student Recreational Center. My first impression of him was a talented, serious looking pool player who maybe short though not too obvious on temper.

Ryan would have fell off my radar after OBU had it not been for his wife Vanessa whom at the time I first knew her, wasn't close with Ryan yet, she may not even had known him. Maybe they met at some baptist church that they attended together, I do not know. My first introduction to Vanessa was most likely at the pool table as well, when she and another guy, Oscar, whom I think spent some time in Brazil, came to join me playing the pool. We then loitered from pool table to the music department, if memory serves. I remember learning that she was a piano major and the three of us attempted to play piano in one of the piano practice rooms. I was then reminded that my mother never got me my favorite Beethoven piece, Moonlight Sonata, saying that it would be too difficult for me, so I took a long shot to ask Vanessa for the piece. And as promised, she brought her Beethoven book with that piece in it to me at a later time. I photocopied the piece and returned the book to her. I was very grateful to her since.

Unlike most American girls, Vanessa, from Louisiana, would be considered the quiet type, but not too quiet. She had always greeted me whenever she saw me on campus. Sat by my table in cafeteria because I was there, I presume, even to the point that my HK friend Roger thought Vanessa and I were together. One time, we came across each other in front of the library, she did came close enough to even touch my arm in one of those greets. I could be imagining this myself, but I think she became more friendly to me when one night, when a group of us hanged out at the gazebo down by the river, a rather big guy was being too active and squeezed her mouth enthusiastically, I stepped in closer to them, though more out of curiosity then in her defense, but the guy thought I was her boyfriend (I think that's what he said he thought when he released her) or something and stopped what he was doing to her, as innocent as it had been from my point of view. I was still in the phase of cultural shock, not knowing what I saw meant what at the time, even now, it is still a question mark for me. Was the guy crossing the line with her? Did I really become her "savior" at that moment? I don't think I would ever find out.

There was perhaps a time later that she appear to grow cold to me. Until now I do not know the reason. I could come up with some, like perhaps I failed to wave back to her when she was waving at me from afar because I couldn't see clearly (the lesson for me being: always wave at people who wave at or in your direction, whether you know them or not, there's no need to be shy, worst case, the embarrassment wouldn't cost you a thing), because I thought there was such a time when someone looking like her waving at me from yards away and I did not wave back because I didn't realize she was waving at me, if it had been her, then the ones next two her must have been her mother and her little sister who were visiting the campus; I also thought that perhaps she saw me as this Asian guy who does not respect copyright law, who just photocopied her music, but this one is less likely because it had been a while after I made those photocopy before I saw less of her; Or perhaps she saw me sharing an umbrella with Tatyana, a Russian student, one time (and one time only, and the thought of boy-girl relationship didn't even cross my mind simply because I was very unfamiliar with Russian culture as well and there was yet any curiosity at all to even consider anything else other than helping someone who asked for help), walking to class or something in the rain; Or perhaps she found and read, in the mathematics department, my once lost mini notebook where I attempted to write a poem about my cute baby cousin - which she could have mistaken it as some girl I liked; Last but not least, was when much later on, she met Ryan and they became together.

That last reason may not have been the only reason, but it certainly was the strongest and the point of no turning back for me to initiate any further relationship with her. I did try, I think, to say hi to her, but her reaction was never the same as before, which troubled me but I did not know why. I later became a little too "enthusiastic" after getting struck with some kind of lovesickness after leaving OBU and even tried calling her at her dormitory, from Philadelphia, after failing to reach her before by letter, even through Ryan a few times (I still remember at one point Ryan's mother picked up the phone and thought Ryan had done something wrong again or that I was looking to hire Vanessa as a pianist but when she realized I was "crazy" she told me she had another call coming in or something). I've tried all methods I could think of to reach Vanessa, even though I knew I was too late to be any closer to her, but I kept fooling myself that at least we can remain some sort of friends, even though we never truly talked much, not even as normal friends before. I think one time, I thought I have reached Vanessa through some ancient social media platform that I don't remember anymore, but it was probably either Vanessa pretending not to be herself, or Ryan pretending to be a stranger, or an actual stranger who engaged in the messaging, and thinking that I sounded desperate, suggested if they could pretend to be Vanessa so that I could imagine speaking to her, I gave up. I was immature in many ways. When I first arrived in Arkansas, I thought to myself, no girls, no funny business, no parties, just keep studying, get good grades, make it to MIT or Harvard, then to NASA or something. I came on borrowed money, with a few thousands from my parents' pocket and I needed to work hard for the cash whenever I can and not let any kind of pleasures get in the way. Even though before I left Malaysia, I had told my mother out of some tantrum I don't remember anymore, that I would date American white girls in America. I also didn't think I had any chance with American ladies. Our cultures were too different, not to mention the language. So, I never thought Vanessa more than just a schoolmate. If Vanessa was coming on to me even in the slightest manner, I would not have realized it. It would be an impossibility, the thought wouldn't even have crossed my mind, not to mention if it was possible for me and her to be together in order to make a move from my part.

So the moment I realized that I could have or should have pursued a relationship with Vanessa, was during one of my dorm security night job at her dorm. I don't know why, but it suddenly struck me, that there was a possibility for me to have a relationship in America and it could have been with her, and that it was too late, because I had already known she was with Ryan at the time, my whole world collapsed. My heart beat raised and though I think I was too young to puke, but it was the same feeling. I could no longer focus on anything else, not even my studies. There was no other girls, why it had to be just her, was what kept creeping into my heart. This was just a puppy love, I tried convincing myself over time, because she never nor was I ever aware that she expressed any special feelings for me. Only that I grew so crazy about her despite warning myself how wrong it that I was falling for someone else's girlfriend, something I have principled against since forever. Just want to be friends, was my excuse. After all that had happened at this point, she's probably considered me a crazy stalker. And I had long given up this feeling and pursue after that "stranger" tried to pretend to be her, decades ago. But from time to time, whenever I'm reminded of Arkansas or OBU, I may take a peek at what happened to Ryan. Maybe once a year kind of thing. Because unlike Vanessa who kept her social media very private, Ryan as a hip hop trumpet musician, has a very public, active social media activities. So I didn't know about his death in last September until now, March of 2024.

I thought of reaching out either to Ryan's posts on Facebook or even Vanessa. The thoughts certainly crossed my mind. But the stronger sense tells me to stop, as they all probably still thinks I'm this crazy stalker whom they had finally gotten rid of years ago. I tried to imagine how Vanessa's life is now, I tried to care: Seeing how they never had children, I think, would her in-laws still visit her? Would she remarry someone else? Would she be too lonely? But seeing the plentiful warm consolations and families around her, from mostly facebook postings, I think she'll be alright and I should just leave it as that. However, now it's certainly a challenge a test for the in-laws to stay in touch with the living, if not keep the love. Assuming that there was no progeny. Not necessarily more on the Visers or the Kalnasys because both sides seem pretty much very well off, relationship-wise.

I have already found my "closure" after Philadelphia, which was about the end of a series of failure in my life due to this lovestruck immaturity. Of all my puppy loves (probably 2-3 before this), this was the one that impacted my life. Now I am grateful that someone like Nadia married me. God is gracious.